Matt was standing on the balcony his eyes looking over but no focusing on anything in particular. He was not enjoying the view or the breeze, both of which would have been pleasing to the eye and feel respectively. Receiving a simple gift, a pair of loafers from Susan had brought bad memories. Memories he had not been able to deal or come to terms with.
Back when we was almost no one. With a mere college degree and no income or prospects. When his parents were not well off to send him to university. He had almost wished that he could slink away from this life.
As one almost without identity, he belonged everywhere and nowhere. And that was just the beginning, everything just piled up, like dominoes meticulously arranged and on cue, waiting to fall in place. Back then, he was insecure and appreciated every hour that he got by. Nothing was ever in his side.
Was it no for his mother, he would have changed his name. And although he didn’t change it, he did not use it. Over time, his heart had hardened, or was it life. Anyways, no he was a better off with a self made identity.
But Susan’s gift now reminded him of who he exactly was, a soul that was ever in need of love, trust, and care. Things that he had learned to live without. Leaning on the balcony, he grimaced and almost cursed under his breath.
If you’d have asked him, he would have told you that he had no regrets, but if he were to go back, he would do somethings, differently.
His adult life had been modelled wholly on kamikaze, taking risks because he had nothing to lose. As a desperate man, he had been a wild card. He remembered a time when he would have sought a deal with the devil but then, even the devil like everyone else had been wary of him.
susan and matt S1E9